Carobit Lounge Conversation: helping my friend

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Originator:	mac	Printable Version
Title:	helping my friend

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From: mac	On: 2008/08/21 23:05:10
i have loved this girl since i was 16. i'm 48 now; i attended her wedding, helped her through the divorce (actually, helped her while she decided to GET the divorce), and supported her marrying a man who had a mild form of melanoma. she loved him, and i agreed that beating it together was a good idea. unfortunately, they didn't beat it. in fact, it took him yesterday in a gruesome fashion, after a couple of years of it getting worse and worse. i had dinner with them a few weeks ago.... he looked and felt horrible - the pain was unbearable, and had been for months. he's in a better place than he was the-day-before-yesterday, that's for sure. today she asked me to come down and spend saturday night at her house. her kids will be at their father's and she needs someone to be with her. i'm trying to think of stuff i can do to help her now. i'm thinking about bringing candles and having her sit in the candlelight talking to him; helping her to say goodbye to him. however, i'm thinking this idea is not only lame, it's downright stupid. i really want to help her, but i really don't have a clue how to do that. has anyone gone through something that helped relieve, or close, grief?

From: cleopatrark	On: 2008/08/21 23:25:57
Grief is something that is personal to the individual. I lost my dear mother much too early, she was but 64. The grief was different for all involved. One sister moved to the town my mother lived in. My brother took care of all the financial stuff and worked his grief through in a long drive alone. I wept openly for days, then at every movie death for a few years (it has been 5) my son ( a musician) wrote her a song. my daughter a poem. What I am saying is you have to go with her flow. What her needs are. If you still love her than just be there and let her grieve in what ever way she needs. Yelling, crying, or being quiet.

From: stone5150	On: 2008/08/21 23:35:20
Some people don't want to deal with grief right away. I didn't deal with my mother's death when I was 17 for a few years. It isn't particualarly heathly to put it off that long, but it wouldn't help to force it either.

From: stone5150	On: 2008/08/21 23:37:00
Hard to believe it has been 5 years already since Flake passed. My condolences for cleo and your friend as well.

From: mac	On: 2008/08/22 06:09:44
i don't think i'm suggesting 'forcing it'; more like 'holding the space, a safe space, for grieving to happen'. and having happened, giving her the healing that comes from expressing that grief. to allow her to be unconsolable, and then consoled. i have taken note that humanity feels comforted by 'ceremony'. somehow the death of a soldier seems more 'ok' if we do an honor guard shtick. bag pipes, and funeral pyres lighting up the night sky, giving wings to the spirits, seem to help us to heal. funerals are for the well-wishers to come give condolences to the family. i want to create for her a private time where she can grieve him in ceremony. i'm hoping someone had some experience with this kind of thing. i'm making this up as i go along.

From: PaulHews	On: 2008/08/22 06:41:26
>has anyone gone through something that helped relieve, or close, grief? Try getting her to talk to you about it, unless she says she doesn't want to talk about it. Framing an event in words helps us abstract our feelings about it, and helps us feel better about it over time. I wouldn't bother with any ceremony. Just be there for her.

From: muso	On: 2008/08/22 08:23:51
> I wouldn't bother with any ceremony. Just be there for her. That's really good advice. Having her know that you're willing to do all you can to help when help is needed, is often more important than just "doing something" for the sake of it. Mind, a simple gesture can make all the difference too; as Cleo says, it's different for each person...

From: mac	On: 2008/08/22 11:45:48
hmmm, not me. when i go, i want bag pipes, and funeral pyres lighting up the night sky, F-16s screaming overhead, little Japanese geishas serving ancient 'soul-releasing, grief-eliminating' teas (and maybe some of those little sandwiches, in case some of my well wishers are getting a tad hungry), fireworks and roman candles will finish up the ceremony, like a big orgasm to shoot my soul off to its next incarnation.... oh, sorry. this isn't for me. well, just make notes in case i kick off before you guys. "just be there"? really? any shmuck can "just be there". i gotta light some incense or something, right????? read from some ancient tome of great wisdom? pray?

From: PaulHews	On: 2008/08/22 12:22:19
>any shmuck can "just be there". It's a little more than just showing up at her doorstep. To make yourself available emotionally, non-judgmentally and be there to listen and talk to her, without resorting to platitudes and insincerity? That's the role of a friend, not a shmuck.

From: stone5150	On: 2008/08/22 12:42:43
Alcohol or oher recreational substances seem to help with the whole 'being there' thing.

From: mac	On: 2008/08/22 13:04:43
well i just spoke with her. apparently this man has a group of friends "bigger and more wonderful than any i have ever seen". they're getting together a rock memorial service at a local park. so i guess just 'being there' will suffice. believe me, Paul, listening non-judgementally and supportively has been what i've been doing when i show up at her doorstep all of these years. when the marriage was collapsing and she was questioning herself, when the teens tell her she's at fault for all their dad's problems... i'm pretty good at the listen and talk to her, without resorting to platitudes and insincerity stuff. she's a wonderful chick and a wonderful friend and i would do anything to make her feel better and get through this. i am a sincere friend, i promise. we're going talking tomorrow, and there will be fire-water.

From: cleopatrark	On: 2008/08/22 18:30:49
Sounds like you are on the right track mac. No ceremony is necessary. You her some fire water and a few old pictures should suffice.

From: Rem	On: 2008/09/02 12:46:50
>any shmuck can "just be there". I agree with Paul here. Be yourself, listen to her. You're here for her, not for yourself. If your attitude differs too much from what she is used to see/notice, she'll back off, and won't talk as openly as before. The bag pipes, funeral pyres are nice, if that's your kind of thing (though I've got some doubts as far as the F-16s are concerned), but not very appropriate in this case. Now, if you want to date her... Well, do play your game as you like.

From: mac	On: 2008/09/03 06:28:34
that wonderful group of friends took her up to the "Grounds" (for 25 years this band of friends have worked sound, lighting, and grounds crews together) and built a huge fire, sprinkled his ashes on the stage and around the grounds, wore their ankle bells (she wore his) and danced. they gave him and her (and themselves, i guess) the ceremony i was referring to. they loved him and will miss him sorely. she says it really helped her. so that leaves me to just sit by her side, and remind her that she'll be able to breathe again someday - that her heart will beat again. then i go sleep on the couch.

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